Does shame have a place...?

In our current Bible class at Church, the teacher has been covering the theme “Encounters with Jesus”.  Recently, the teacher led us to the story in John chapters 18 and 21 where Peter denied Jesus and then Peter’s reinstatement after the resurrection. 

During the discussion, the teacher spent some time defining the difference between guilt and shame.  I believe it is a safe assumption that Peter experienced both.  Here are the working definitions of each:

Guilt – This is something I have done.  The message I hear is, “I’ve done something bad.”

Shame – This is something about me.  The message I hear is, “I am bad.”

Guilt is important to help us to grow and move toward re-establishing integrity and righteous living.  This re-establishment is based on what we have done.  Shame on the other hand, many times, drives us to re-live our sin.  We begin to take on a negative message about ourselves instead of living in our God-given giftedness.  When I stay in a place of shame, I do not believe I have value.  I do not believe I am redeemed.  It affects my relationship with God and others.  For the most part, shame can be damaging.

I was having a recent conversation with a friend I was mentoring.  The subject of “Does shame have a place?” came up.  It must have some place in our restoration…I could sense that in my soul.  However, I could not get past the damage that shame has caused in my life and in the lives of some many others I have coached, mentored, and ministered.  Yet, I know it has a place. Where is this place?  How does shame produce goodness? 

During this Bible class, my eyes were opened to Peter and his guilt and shame.  Should Peter have felt guilt for his choice to deny Jesus three times?  Yes.  Should Peter have felt shame for whom he was in that moment?  Yes.  Guilt pointed to what Peter had chosen to do in that moment.  Shame exposed a part of Peter’s character that needed an adjustment and healing from Jesus.  The mistake many of us make is not bringing our shame to Jesus so that we can recognize possible “problems” in our character that need addressing.  Furthermore, when we do not bring our shame to Jesus, then we cannot receive healing for our heart, soul, and character.

Let us look at what happened with Peter:

·         Peter denies Jesus three times.  Guilt exposes what he has done.  We assume shame exposes something in Peter’s character.  Peter weeps bitterly (Matthew 26:75).  Peter is at a crossroads, he could allow shame to deceive him into believing he cannot be redeemed.

·         Peter returns to what he knows.  Peter met Jesus while fishing.  He goes back to fishing.  He goes back to something familiar.  Moreover, possibly, like Jacob, returns to a place where he encountered God through Jesus (Jacob set up altars and pillars to represent his encounters with God and revisited them.  Other Old Testament characters have similar experiences).

·         Jesus meets Peter in that place.  Jesus speaks truth into Peter about his true character.  Jesus re-instates Peter. 

·         Peter goes on to be a great leader.  Filled with the Holy Spirit and armed with his gift of passion, Peter establishes the Church.

I would love to say that is how I handle shame in my life.  Unfortunately, I typically allow my shame to get the best of me.  I begin to believe that my character is flawed rather than believe the truth about how God has gifted me.  However, Peter gives me a great example of how to handle shame.  His story gives me hope in the midst of my failings.  Using Peter’s example, here is a great way for me to approach my shame:

First – Shame can be useful to expose areas of my character that may need work. It can show me where I am moving away from who I truly am.  I can choose to believe I am flawed, or use it to begin deeper growth work toward moving to be God’s man.

Second – I can do something about what shame has exposed.  The other choice is to stay stuck.  It is time to take action that is different from how I have handled shame in the past.  It is time to choose truth.

Third – I need to go back to what I know.  I need to go back to where I encountered Jesus.  Going back to something I am familiar with and capable of accomplishing will put me in a place to invite Jesus in to help.

Fourth – I pay attention and listen for Jesus.  I allow him to show me the truth about my character.  I begin to allow his healing touch to help me move forward with what He has planned for me. 

Shame and the messages associated with it is very powerful.  However, with practice and intentionality, shame is useful to expose and motivate.  The key, like peter’s story is the pointing to Jesus.  Peter was so excited to see Jesus that he jumped out of the boat and swam ashore to be with him.  When I am burdened by the messages of shame that I am “bad”, it is an indicator that I need to go to Jesus and hear truth.

How have you let shame burden you?  Where do you need to go to encounter Jesus?  Make a commitment to spend time with him in a familiar place.  When you do, listen for His truth and healing voice. 

Photo Credit:  Creative Commons

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Holding Space...

This week's article was originally published on The Crucible Project blog:  https://www.thecrucibleproject.org/holding-space/

I believe it is just human nature to want to fix someone’s problems.  I also believe that we are compelled to “fix” from a noble consideration of helping someone.  However, in our endeavor to help someone, we have lost a key component that is valuable to those we are helping.  The component is an art of “Holding Space”.   Heather Plett defines holding space in this way: 

 “…we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.”

One of the greatest and poorest examples of holding space is in the story of Job.  In Job 2, Job’s friends are compelled to go sympathize and comfort him.  They began by holding space:

“Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.”  Job 2:13

Job’s friends even listened as Job began to express his anguish.  However, they could not contain themselves any longer.  In my opinion, his friends became uncomfortable.  One by one, each friend rebuked Job and pointed out that he must have sinned in some way to be in this situation.  Why do we feel we have to say something when we become uncomfortable holding space? 

Here are some pitfalls that come up for me when I should be holding space.  See if you can relate to any of these.

• As I mentioned above, I become uncomfortable with the person’s emotion, anguish, etc.  When I become uncomfortable, I want to fix that discomfort.  Therefore, in all actuality, I am not helping them as much as I am fixing my discomfort.  Many times, I feel as they do.  However, I am afraid to express myself and I keep silent.  When they are expressing themselves, I become uncomfortable because I would not express myself in that way.
• The person I need to hold space for may be directing their emotion toward me.  Instead of being good with who I am, I begin to defend myself.  Once I defend, I am no longer holding space.   Furthermore, sometimes what the person says hurts. 
•  What the person is saying may be in direct conflict with what I believe and value.  At this point, I feel the need to speak “the truth” (my truth).  The person may blame God.  I feel the need to defend God. 
•  I begin to feel like my wisdom may serve the person in some way.  Therefore, I begin to give unsolicited advice.  For example, when someone has lost a loved one, I feel the need to comfort him or her through words of wisdom. 
•  When teaching, facilitating, coaching, or training, I tend to ask questions in rapid succession.  Instead of asking one question and waiting, I get uncomfortable with the question I asked or with the silence or the process.  Alternatively, I answer for the person and do not let them discover. 
•  Silence can become “loudly” uncomfortable.  I just feel the need to say something.

For the most part, none of these is helpful for the person.  I tend toward wanting to help my wife fix an issue she may have with work or her family.  I want to help my friend who is angry, with either me or a situation in his life.  I want to solve my child’s problems instead of walking alongside her.  The shift I need to make is towards just holding space.  How do I do that?  Here are some things I have found that allow me to hold space successfully.  I hope that these ideas will be useful to you as well. 

•  I stand certain that God is involved.  My tendency to fix is actually a lack of Faith that God is aware and compassionate toward the person I am holding space.  He is ever-present and all knowing.  That takes a lot of pressure off me. 
•  I must be good with who I am.  Much of my speaking when I should be silent stems from an insecurity within me.  The person’s issue is not a reflection of any of my perceived shortcomings. 
• Internally, I begin to realize that people will have differing opinions and I must be okay with that.  I am to love people where they are, even if I disagree.
• I need to be a listener.  Just listening and being present is all the person may need. 
• I should ask permission to speak.  If I feel the need to speak, then I need ask some variation of only one question:  “Is there anything you need for me to do for you?”  Then, I must honor the person’s answer, including staying within the boundaries of the request the person makes.
• When teaching, facilitating, coaching, or training, I need to ask one question and wait.  This allows the person’s internal resources to come on line.  This respects the person’s God-given ability to discover.
• Tied to being certain God is involved – I must become comfortable with silence.  A lot of great mind work, discovery, and revelation happens in the midst of silence.

Like most things in life, when I begin to put into practice holding space, I trust what the process accomplishes.  Where have you been “fixing” where holding space would be more appropriate?  With which pitfalls to holding space do you relate?  In what ways will you make a shift and begin to hold space?  Give silence a try.  Those around you may begin to respond in amazing ways.  Part of James 1:19 comes to mind as I close:  “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…”

Blessings.

Photo credit:  Creative Commons

Consider deepening your walk with God through Christian coaching: http://growthresources.net/  Set up a FREE 30 minute call to get a glimpse of what coaching can do for you:  https://calendly.com/byron-growthresources/30min

Are you a Manager, a Leader, a Supervisor?  Get focused coaching.  Visit - http://middlemanagercoach.com/  Set up a FREE 30 minute call to get a glimpse of what coaching can do for you:  https://calendly.com/byron-growthresources/30min
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